We, we've got the same heart

Lots to say. :)

Tue, 26 May 2009 20:10:19 GMT

Wow, so much has happened in my live since I last posted.
Let me post a list of topics, because that's what Im good at.
1. Lluvia and I
2. School
3. California and Gay Marriage
4. Jobs

Okay, so as many of you know, my girlfriend and I have been together for a while now, and we were doing the long distance thing because she lived in Mexico City and I'm obviously in Lameville in Canada... But then, something really random happened. The swine flu, that's what. If you're unsure of how this would affect our relationship, let me tell you right now that it was a positive thing. I was worried about her, obviously, considering that she's my life and Mexico was dangerous to her health... So she moved here with me. To Canada. Where we're currently living with my mom because I still don't have a freaking job and I still haven't had any call backs after ALL of the applications and resumes I've submitted. Like, what the hell is that? Anyway, so she moved here and we're really serious about being together. So... We're getting married as soon as I get a job. Nothing too special, just a small ceremony with her and I and a few witnesses. I'm really excited about making her my wife and about being her wife, because we're amazing together. I'll be here for her through whatever, no matter what, because she's that one who makes my heart pound, who makes me smile, who I just can't get enough of. You know how people say that when you find the one, you'll just know? It's so true. You feel it everywhere and there's nothing in the world that will ever compare to that feeling. She's everything to me.

School.. Alright, so I'm not going back to Laurier because I'm an epic fail and I hated it way too much. So, I'm going to go to school for IT because I know computers and computers are what I love and I really think that it will be beneficial to me and that I can do it and do it well. Also, it offers a lot more of a promising future to me than journalism which would probably take me nowhere considering the state of the world right now. Anyway, I'm taking a year off and all that Jazz and that's funtimes. K, 'nough said.

What the fuck is with California? Seriously, this is the first time in history where a certain group of people have been given a right and then had it taken away... And they have no shame in that? Gay people are nonetheless people, too and it's absolutely disgusting that people think it's okay to revoke a right that should be given regardless. People disregard the Bible on a number of things these days, so why is the GAY issue the thing that is the absolute hardest to disregard? Meh, I'm glad I'm Canadian.

K SO HAI WORLD. HOLLY NEEDS A JOB. SOMEONE HIRE ME, NOW, PLEASE. OKAY THANK YOU. I PROMISE I'M A GOOD WORKER

Where to start?

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 06:14:17 GMT

If there were more than 10 million words in the English language... I still don't think that would be enough to express to the world exactly what I'm feeling right now.
There are so many amazing things right now that are going through my head and so many things that I'm feeling.. And I just wish I could get them out articulately, in a fashion so that the entire world could experience a piece of the heaven that I'm living in right now.

There are things in life that you expect, but there are other things that hit you so hard in the face and take you off guard. I never expected myself to be able to feel something this intense.. This perfect, this unlimited. There is no limit to love. I would move mountains, I would easily sacrifice myself in her place, so that she could live a whole life. It's funny how this happens, isn't it? How someone can go from not even being in your life at all to taking you over completely and making you feel amazing while they're at it. It's perfect. That's the only word I can use to describe this feeling, this complimentary feeling.. Perfection.

There have been times in my life where I would give anything to be unconditionally happy... To feel like nothing else mattered because I had happiness and ultimately that was all I needed.. And here I am now, feeling that exact sensation. It's so amazing. I feel like I could do anything and be content.

There's just something amazing about waking up next to the person you love, wrapping your arms around them and kissing them with a simple greeting like "Good morning". It seems like a little thing in life, but it's these little things that I live for. I live to feel that kiss in the morning, I live to see that smile spread across her face, I live to see her happy. I've never wanted someone to consume me in this way, in a way where they know everything about me and where I'm completely vulnerable to them.. It's amazing. I've been saying amazing way too much during this blog.. That's how you know I'm happy. I'm so happy that I can't describe it. It's really something when someone manages to take me over in such a way that I'm speechless about it.

So here's a summary...
Lluvia = LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
Mexico = BEAUTIFUL OMFG
United Airlines = Douchebags for losing my bag
Love = The Ultimate feeling

I'm in paradise. I never want this to end. :)

So guess what..

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 02:01:04 GMT

I was walking through the outsideness before the terrace and guess what happened!
There was a girl.
With a fish.
And I looked at her.
I didn't know her
But I screamed fish at her anyway excitedly.
It was funtimes. :)

Oh hello there!

Sat, 28 Mar 2009 07:15:43 GMT

So, this is Holly.. I'm going to rant and ramble again. Like I always do. It seems like this is becoming a common thing. I forgot how great blogging actually was. ANYWAY, moving along. I have a few things to talk about.

1) Milk

2) McDonalds

3) Mexico City

4) Peanutbutter

Okay, are you embracing the itinerary with your breath held for whatever I say next? Good -- You should be. Now, Holly. Why are you talking about food today? As you can see, all of my topics seem to be somewhat food related, but SURPRISE... Only one is. Anyway, I'll get on with this now and actually blog before you run in fear of my rambling.

1) Milk - THE MOVIE - SEAN PENN

Alright, for those of you who do not know what this movie is about. I'll give you a brief summary.

It's about this man named Harvey Milk who is a gay rights activist in the 1970s (I think, not quite sure if my memory is that good) He basically runs for Supervisor in San Francisco and ends up becoming the first gay elected official. It's a really moving story.. It's based on a true one. He fights with this other official named Dan White who is conservative.. ANYWAY.

While watching this movie, I cannot help but be grateful for the time period that I have been born into. To think, Gays were subjected to brutality, fired from jobs and ultimately treated like scum and perverts just for advocating their way of life. I am a firm believer in the NATURE side of the everlasting battle between genetics and environment, so I feel utterly appauled at the fact that people, HUMAN BEINGS, were degraded in such a way for something that they cannot help.

Mostly, I saw this story as an enlightenment. It showed me that I need to be thankful for my rights, no matter how sanctioned they are across the world. Living in Canada, I have not been subjected to many counts of homophobia, but rather thought that MY life was difficult for having to endure growing up in a Christian society where my way of life was looked down upon. However, I now see that this life is blissful, perfection, in comparison to the hate crimes that others have had to live through every single day.

I wish, so much, that I could reach out to the world in a way that Harvey Milk did for the United States. I think that everyone needs to take initiative in realizing that homophobia is still a huge issue in many parts of the world we live in. What makes it so wrong that my love is between myself and another woman and furthermore, what makes it so wrong for love to just be love?

This movie inspired me to do something beneficial with my life. To embrace my freedom as a Canadian who is also a lesbian, to take my rights into my own hands and to stand up for what I believe in. Before, I regarded it as a little bit overdone – Gay rights activism, but what I didn't realize is that this is still a VERY current issue.

CLICK ME

Anyway, all I can say is that every little bit helps and I feel the need to embrace my position in the homosexual community just because I think that degradation of a human being in correspondence to their sexual orientation is wrong.

Anyway, I'm sure you don't want to sit here and read about me ranting for Gay rights anymore, I just wanted to make it clear that I'm really glad there are people taking a stand because I cannot imagine living in a world where being a homosexual actually was a crime...

P.s. PROPS TO SEAN PENN. HOLY SHIT. This man REALLY can play every role. Seriously.. Wow. I'm completely amazed at how perfectly he portrayed Milk's role.

2) McDonalds ... DELIVERS? WTFFFFF

Okay, seriously. You know that the state of society is in a pitiful downward spiral when the LARGEST FASTFOOD CHAIN IN THE WORLD starts delivering. Did you know that McDonalds in Manhatten DELIVERS? Manhatten. There are McDonalds all over New York City. Just, seriously, what the fuck. Did the documentary SUPERSIZE ME not get the point across about this industry?

How many more obesity related deaths need to happen before people realize that this corporation is only concerned with money? They don’t care if you die because you indulge in their greasy pre-cooked meals. They don’t care if you have a heart attack at the age of 35 because you’re too lazy to cook yourself dinner at home but would instead sit on your ass and have McDonalds brought to your door.

It’s really sad that McDonalds delivers. Honestly, it just allows for people to become more lazy. I’m 100% sure that this allows more people to become morbidly obese than ever before, because now the food is accessible without even having to get up and walk a few blocks to the fast food chain.

You’re probably wondering why I brought this up, because I’m sure that McDonald’s didn’t just start delivering, but it’s because I got a Facebook invite to a group that was petitioning for EVERY McDonalds to start delivering. Is that the state of the world that we’re in? Where people are so lazy that driving their cars through a drive through isn’t good enough? They need the food to come straight to their doors? I find Pizza delivery bad enough, but this is purely disgusting.

Apparently this is a common thing for people in the developing world... To have their McDonalds delivered to them, which makes sense considering the issues concerning accessibility.. But, honestly, delivery of McDonalds in NEW YORK CITY? I’m actually so disgusted that I can’t think of anything more to say other than “REALLY NEW YORKERS?”

It just shocks me that a fast food chain feels the need to deliver. As if they’re not getting enough business without catering to people who have no other drive in life other than sitting at home and playing video games or watching television. I’m not trying to be stereotypical, but in all honesty, what kind of person is so lazy that they get McDonalds delivered to their home. McDONALDS. Ugh. Whatever, I can’t talk about this anymore because it’s making me so mad.

3) Mexico City A.K.A. The home to the love of my life

Let me just stress first how fucking EXCITED I am to be going to Mexico in 5 days. Seriously, I don’t even think the shock of it has sunk in yet. I’m going to Mexico. Over 2000 miles from where I live. Seriously.

Anyway, Excuse that moment of gibberish as we move on into something a little bit more substantial. What is the deal with people being all racist towards Mexicans? Like, I never really thought about it before, but what the hell? Mexico is a beautiful place with beautiful people and beautiful culture and history... Sure they may have a corrupt whatever the fuck, but now-a-days, which country isn’t running on corruption and deceit?

All I’m saying is, I think that it’s stupid. I LOVE MEXICO.

List of reasons why

1) Spanish is the single sexiest language I have ever heard

2) The history alone is enough to give me a mental boner

3) HAVE YOU SEEN MEXICO CITY? For one of the most populous cities in the world, it’s fucking beautiful.

4) The love of my life is there.

5) MEXICAN FOOD, while I haven’t eaten it, LOOKS LIKE THE MOST DELICIOUS THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

6) Music. Mexican fucking music man. Youtube it!

I would go on, but now I think I’ve crossed the endearing line and have moved into the more creepy area.. But regardless,

Dear America,

WHY YOU BEING SUCH A DICKHEAD FOR? STOP BEING A DICKHEAD.

Love always,

A Canadian that wishes she were in Mexico.

4) Peanut butter

FUCK. I am craving the biggest peanut butter sandwich right now. Actually, like a triple decker or something.. With like so much peanut butter that I could probably die from trying to swallow it.

I think that peanut butter is a funny thing. It’s peanuts.. Ground up.. To make a butter. Wow, seriously. Haha. And I think it’s even funnier that it comes in variations.. Like Crunchy or smooth or extra creamy.. And how everyone has a preference although they really all taste the same! Oh jeeze.

I don’t even know why I decided to talk about peanut butter other than the fact that I’m craving it.. Perhaps I’ll make a peanut butter and chocolate sandwich.. Or a peanut butter and honey sandwich.. Or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.. Or maybe I’ll just lick it out of the jar and then put bread in my mouth. Okay seriously, enough about the peanut butter..

IF YOU GOT THIS FAR, I AM SO VERY VERY VERY PROUD OF YOU . :)

I need you so much closer <3

Oh hai!

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 18:18:13 GMT

TIME FOR UPDATES.

Jesus, where have I gotten to? I haven't written a blog in like a week. It's quite tragic.
Anyway, firstly, I'd like to scream to the world that Lluvia asked me to be her girlfriend yesterday. Fuck, so cute. I said yes, of course, considering how fucking in love with her I am. A month. It's been a month since I met her, and she's changed my entire world view, made me a positive person, and just made me feel amazing at any giving moment. She's perfect for me and I'm so fucking happy. I love you, baby. :)

I never thought that one person could make me so fucking happy, could compliment me so well. We fit perfectly. It's like we're two pieces of a puzzle MADE to be put together. Like this song:

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
True, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listening
That frankly will not fly. you will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

Basically. I'm irrational and spontaneous, but I'm in love. I bought a ticket to Mexico. I'm going to be with my girlfriend in a week. Fuck man, I'm so excited. I'm so in love. I'm SO HAPPY. We're perfect. I'm going to mexico. You know how fucking romantic that is? I'm flying over 2000 miles to see the girl I'm in love with. Fuck, I need to think of cute things. Lmfao.

ANYWAY. PAPER TIEMZ

I forget who I am when I'm with you...

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 06:48:58 GMT

"I love you every minute. I love you more than band, music and cookie-making."

The simple pleasures in life. Loving, laughing, Happiness.
I have all of them right now and I never want anyone to stop me.
I feel audacious. I want to do everything and nothing at once. I want to live in this moment forever.
I want to live in this moment FOREVER.
Forever.. That's a long time, but sometimes I don't think forever feels long enough. Forever doesn't feel long enough when all I want to do is embrace you and kiss you and smell you. Forever doesn't seem long enough when every moment slips by so quickly. What is time, anyway? Who thought of the concept of time. Like, I know it's the movement of the Earth around the sun and that it's the progression of seconds into minutes into hours into days into weeks into months into years.. But why is it relevant. If you're happy and everything is amazing, why can't time just cease to exist. Why can't we forever find ourselves in the moment that we adore the most? I wish life were like that, because baby, I would never get sick of you .

Forever is like the infinity of time, right? So, if time goes on forever then how is there ever REALLY an end to anything? I don't think there is. There are continual re-occurances in the world as we've seen throughout history, as we've seen time and time again, actually... So how does anything ever end if there's a forever? Right, either forever doesn't exist or nothing ends. I hope forever exists so badly because I want my heart to be yours forever, I want you to know that in every moment, you're the thing that consumes me.

Fuck what people think. Fuck what they tell me. There is no such emotion as pure as love, so why hold back when you're feeling it? Why try to hide and smother something that is dying to come out? If I sit in bed at night and you're running through my mind, the thought of your lips, your eyes, your voice... The concept of you and I sending chills through me.. The thought of everything we have being so incredibly perfect that I know in this instant and every instance after it, that I love you... Why should I hold back? I think that limiting the things we feel freely is something insane. So, here it is, I guess.. A confession to the world if not to just get it out there. I love you. I fucking love you. Honestly, if I was on a mountain right now I would scream it at the top of my lungs. You're everything I wanted, everything I need and finding you was perfection. Perhaps one of the only amazing things I've ever done in my life.

Back to the concept of time now, who says what amount of time is sufficient enough to love someone? Who says what love is or love isn't? I feel like I need to get this out there so um "I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK". :)

"You found me when noone else was lookin'"

So, moving away from that and into my current university situation. I am so fucking torn about what I want to do with my life. I don't know. I never knew. What am I doing here at Laurier where I feel absolutely no motivation? What am I doing here when all I want to do is something I enjoy. This is not enjoyable. Who the fuck invented university. Come to think of it, it's probably a large reason why the economy is in an epic state of FAIL. Think of it, people are continuously investing money into these institutions. What would life be like if Universirty, if knowledge, were free? Jesus.

Anyway. I think I'm going to withdrawl from Laurier and work for a year and save some money and go back to school in the winter 2009. I feel like this will be good for me, because, in all honesty I'm not in the mental place right now to apply myself to something so life-altering.

I'm done ranting now.
Allow me to finish with something completely cute.

"Lluvia, I know how to say your name." Lmfao
Kbye.

gsdfgfdg

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 22:11:59 GMT

SO
I'm going to rant in my fucking journal because I'm so epically pissed off right now that I wish I could kill someone. FIRSTLY, what kind of employer tells you you're going to have a job in the summer and then is all "Ha, just kidding, we hired everyone back except you." Seriously, I hope someone fucking kicks me in the face because I need a job so fucking badly right now and clearly I don't have one yet. I don't know what I'm going to do if I don't get one, either. Do I sell all my shit to compensate for it? Jesus, I hate the economy and I fucking wish that someone would just fucking fix it already because what the fuck man.

Speaking of news and shit.
What the hell is up with this idea of corrective rape in South Africa?

"Lesbians living in South Africa are being subjected to "corrective rape" and severe violence by men trying to "cure" them of their sexual orientation, human rights groups have said."

I constantly wonder what the fuck is going through people's heads. Like, honestly.. RAPING A WOMAN TO CURE HER SEXUAL ORIENTATION? Fuck, how would these men feel if a guy stuck a dick up their ass and "raped" them into their sexuality? It makes me absolutely fucking livid. I wish people could be a little bit more open minded. There are so many contracictions in the world these days.. Like seriously, dskjfgbjnmsdklfmgh,kmsdfngmndfxkjdv.

I can't even begin to express how angry I am..

P.s.

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 01:16:47 GMT

"Well if I want to be with you forever, I need to get culturally identified, no?"

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 04:22:07 GMT

Hmmm, I really didn't know where I was going to start off with when I opened this, but it dawned on me as I was thinking.

Distance and the idea of long distance relationships.

You know what bothers me the most about the perception that surrounds them? People who have never been in a long-distance relationship don't understand what it's like to be completely and entirely consumed by someone even though they're not there. Like, they make it seem like the physical aspect of a relationship is so much more important than the emotional and intellectual capacity that you share as a couple.

I think that distance is the biggest test. If you can last a long time a far ways away from the person you want to be with, without thinking about being with anyone other than the other person, I think it's highly indicative of the emotions that you feel and the success rate of the relationship. Like, I've been in long distance relationships before, and I know it's really hard to be in one just because of the lack of physical attention..

But is the physical aspect of a relationship REALLY that important?

I know a lot of people who argue yes because a physical interaction and connection is really important, but doesn't the emotional side matter more? I know with a straight couple, it's a little bit more difficult to judge, because men are so fucking simplistic.. But, ultimately, as a lesbian woman, I feel like the emotional aspect of any relationship is so much more important.

If you're happy wanting to be with the person, and the person makes you feel complete and amazing, why is it such a bad thing to embrace a mutual interest? I'm not saying make things official with the person without meeting them, but I believe that happiness is success at life, so if something makes you happy, it must be worth it, right?

I think that it's worth the wait. Think of it this way..

If you smell a rose every day, you get used to the smell and it's not as intense as it used to be. While, still enjoyable, you start to under appreciate it for what it really is.. A beautiful plant with an amazing smell that symbolizes love. Now, if you take a picture of a rose and look at it every day, it is aesthetically pleasing but you crave more, so when you actually get to smell the rose, you're immediately awash with new feelings, with the intensity again. I think that distance is healthy to a certain extent.

Why can't people in this world just understand that happiness is success. Ultimately, life is about the pursuit of happiness, is it not? If we're not searching for happiness, than what is the point in doing the things that we do? I'm not a nihilist, so I therefore believe that life has a meaning, but I believe that we make this meaning through our endeavours.

I am happy. I only want happiness in my life.

You make me happy.

Never leave.

Ranting is like heroin for academics. :)

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 08:36:22 GMT

Sometimes I wonder why the world is the way it is and it ends up making me so fucking angry that I can't eat or sleep. I tend to try to avoid anything that infuriates me, but sometimes I just can't help it. What the fuck is wrong with people these days? And by people I mean society as a whole. We all just sit on our asses and stare at the state of the world thinking that there's always someone else advocating change, so why should we be involved? I really wish that every single person in the world had as much motivation to change the world as the people who are pining for change. Things would be fixed immediately. Not only am I talking about things like global warming and the current economical crisis, but this also holds true for things like the Media's perception of beauty.

Beauty is fucking relative. It's something that changes from person to person, so why on earth is everyone so desperate to fit a certain mould that has been layed and planted into their mind as the definition of beauty? For a really long time, I found myself believing this definition of beauty, and would look at myself in the mirror and feel complete shame at the way I am... Until recently. Recently someone came into my life who taught me that everything in this world is relative, who makes me believe I am beautiful, but also makes me see beauty in the world. Things have the potential to be so mediocre if you're not willing to open your eyes to something more than what you're making it. I've had my eyes opened and I'm never going to let them fall closed again.

It absolutely disgusts me to see people and the way they look at the world. Since when is 5'8", blonde, 110lbs beautiful? You think bones sticking out everywhere, and lack of pigment and hue in hair is beautiful? Hardly. Where is the sense of the unique that the world used to rely on so hard? I really hate when people are different in the face of society than they are in person, during a one-on-one interaction. I can count on two hands how many times somebody has told me that if it weren't for their friend's opinions that they would be with me. Since when is it okay to tell someone that the person they're interested in isn't beautiful? Since when is it okay not to be with the person you want on a strictly society based preference. I find it completely disgusting. Thank you for not being that person, by the way, Lluvia, since I know you're going to read this. Thank you for teaching me that beauty is what you make it and what you see.

Anyway, moving away from the societal expectations in regards to beauty. I've been wanting to rant and rave about the fucking state of society for a while, and since I'm feeling oh-so-articulate, I might as well get it out of the way. Seriously, what the fuck kind of crack is society smoking, and where can I get some? I want to be that delusional in regards to all of MY everyday choices and decisions. SERIOUSLY. Wow. Okay, you know life is fucked up when the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and the government sits by and laughs because it really doesn't affect a politician who is raking in the money anyway. Infact, how did the idea of a maximum wage never get imposed anyway? Why isn't there a limit on the amount of assets and money a person can have? If there's a minimum, shouldn't a maximum be necessary to make said minimum plausible? Life really should be one giant quadratic function with a maximum range that a person can reach. If these fucking selfish fuckers would just put money back into the economy, or give it to the poor, it would get spent and everything would start to even out, but no.. They don't understand that the billion dollars they have in the bank just collecting dust and intrest is what this world needs to be functioning! Serious. What dumbshits.

Anyway. Now that that's off my chest, I want to add that it's the only thing that brings me down me these days. I'm sitting comfortably with a smile on my face, happy to be alive and happy to have met this certain girl. For a very long time I allowed my relationship status to define who I am, or who I'm going to be, or what I do. But, I realize now that happiness is created in seeing the good in people. When she tells me I'm beautiful, instead of pushing it away with a laugh, when I accept it, I feel amazing. There is nothing I would rather do than spend a day talking to her, learning about her, letting her see me. I feel for once that I'm making a positive investment to my life and that there's nothing that can stop this feeling. Not even distance. I mean, when someone has so much of a hold on you that you can talk to them for 12 hours never running out of things to say and miss them entirely afterwards, I think you're doing something right. I'm in so deep right now, and I never want to get out.

I believe entirely in the saying "life is what you make it.", but should we allow others to have a hold on what we do and feel and say and become? I think in excess no, but I think that learning experiences are completely necessary to function and grow as a person. My last relationship ended in complete chaos and disarray, and you know what it taught me? Don't hold on to something when you're grasping for your life. Don't live a life of co-dependancy. Right now, in this moment, I feel more sane that I have in a long time... Because for once I'm just sitting at the poker game of my life and I'm not bluffing, I'm just raking in the glory of knowing that I have people who care about me surrounding me, food in my stomach and a whole lot of cards in my hand that allow me to make the decisions that will determine whether I ultimately fold or bring in the big bucks.

That's all. I will end with lyrics, because this song is really how I feel. ENTIRELY.

I go ooh ooh, you go ah ah
Lalalala-ahlalala
I can't
La-la-la-la-la-la
I wanna wanna wanna get get get what I want
Don't stop
Gimme gimme gimme what you got got
'Cause I can't wait wait wait any more more more more more
Don't even talk about the consequence
'Cause right now you're the only thing that's making any sense to me
And I don't give a damn what they say, what they think think
'Cause you're the only one who's on my mind
I'll never ever let you leave me
I'll try to stop time forever, never wanna hear you say goodbye (bye)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched-un
And I need you so much

See you, breathe you, I want to be you
Alalalala alalalala
You can take take t-take take take time time
To live live the way you gotta gotta live your life
Gimme gimme gimme all of you you
Don't be scared
I'll see you through the lonely nights of wanting more a-more more
Don't even think about what's right or wrong, or wrong or right
'Cause in the end it's only you and me and no one else is gonna be around
To answer all the questions left behind
And you and I are meant to be so even if the world falls down today
You've still got me to hold you up up
And I will never let you down (down)

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you

Untouched-un, untouched
Untouched-un
Alalalala alalalala
Untouched-un
Alalalala alalalala

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you

I feel so untouched
And I want you so much
That I just can't resist you
It's not enough to say that I miss you
I feel so untouched right now
Need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
Been goin' crazy from the moment I met you

P.s. "It's been agreed that the whole world stinks so no one's taking showers anymore" This made me lol.

=)

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 05:34:42 GMT

Life is mysterious. How cliché of me to say something like that, but whoever it was that said it first was so fucking smart.

Like, seriously. Who would have thought about any of the various events and happenings that shape us into who we are? There's no way to tell what is going to happen, so we find ourselves walking forward blindsighted. I think that's the thing that makes humans so unique. We feel with our whole selves, and therefore when something detrimental happens in our lives it has the potential to knock us down or push us so far ahead that we don't know how to deal with it. Is that what life is, though? Learning how to make your feelings one big coping mechanism? I think yes.

"I wish I was your favourite girl. I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world. I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile, I wish that the way that I dress was your favourite kind of style."

I'm falling. I am fucking falling for a girl. And it feels like someone is throwing me into a mixture of excitement, happiness and every other positive emotion all at once. I fucking love every second of it. Every milasecond of it. I never want this to end. Just when I was giving up hope on finding someone who sends me ten feet over the threshold and makes me feel fucking fantastic while doing it, there's this girl. Like honestly, wow. Intensity level is at 100, on a percentage scale, but to be completely truthful, I love it. I love the lust and desire. I love the way she makes me feel. I love feeling scandalous in this way. It's just perfect for me. She's perfect for me. I want to take things slow with her, but still. It's perfect. :)

And yeah. A lot can happen in 7 weeks. But we won't dwell on that.
Anyway. University is almost over. I hate it anyway, so yay..
April 27, I live for your existence. :)
ANYWAY. YEah yeah yeah. I'm not creative tonight.
I'm dropping out. Kbye. :)

Well

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 20:24:50 GMT

The excitement of that was short lived.
I don't know what I get so excited for.

So here's the thing..

Thu, 15 Jan 2009 21:03:05 GMT

I basically failed at not being able to go on facebook.
I went on not even a day later.
I'm pathetic.
On the up side.
At least I now know I'm addicted.

So here's the thing..

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 23:33:42 GMT

I'm not going to go on facebook for an entire week just to see how much time it takes up out of my life..
Probably going to be really bored, haha.. But who knows, I might actually get more work done than usual. :P

I'm excited for thisssss.

Anyway.
I'm going to go and be studious now.

So basically..

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 20:54:33 GMT

I really wish that I didn't feel this.
I wish that you didn't hurt me

Life changes

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 16:30:49 GMT

So basically, life is really fucked up. I think that everything is happening out of nowhere, thus life is random (like Elli says).
I hate when people bail on me, and give me excuses. Don't you want to be my best friend anymore? What did I do wrong?

I'm really upset with my dad right now; I need money for my books so that I don't fail my courses.. And he won't give me the money for them, even though he would get it back in literally two weeks. Whatever, he's a dick. So basically, I'm going to fail my courses because my parents suck! :)

Ummm..
Yeah.
I shouldn't have done that last night.
I'm not going to anymore.
As much as I want to.
It hurts too much when I realize it's NOT ME..
It's anyone.

Time to go and be depressed. haha

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same...

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 22:30:10 GMT

I've done a lot of growing up in the last year. A lot. More than I can even fathom. It's shocking to me that just a year ago, I was a radically different person, consumed by a radically different lifestyle. I used to be concerned entirely with the social aspects of my life, focusing on people who really meant the world to me at times, on people who made everything so much lighter. Where did these people go?

Why do things in life have to change? Why does pain have an ambiance? I have so many questions that I continuously ask, that I always want answers to, but never find them. It seems to me that life is a terrible game of cat and mouse. Of chasing and waiting, and chasing and waiting... Just when you think you've caught the last mouse, you find another infestation. I don't want to keep looking for things, so I've decided to wait and let them come to me.

Things would be so much easier if reciprocation of feelings was inevitable. How does one get over unrequited love? I don't think it's possible. I don't know anything anymore.
I know I love you.
I know I shouldn't.
I know I need to stop.
I know it's what you want.
I don't know if I can.

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, never forget
These images

Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I'm broken and I can't even tell you.

Mass of life

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 18:59:36 GMT

I feel the colours swirling around me. My heart's pounding non-stop... My eyes close and open and everything is the same. This isn't a dream. This is real, reality, my future. Wow. I never thought this was going to come up so quickly; Slap me in the face and tell me I'm dreaming. Please.

I've come to realize: Live and let live.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 03:59:13 GMT

Basically, I've noticed that I only write in here when stuff is going wrong in my life, and I don't think that it's right to send all that negative karma out there! Although, it's also kind of like a release. So, if you've been reading my journal, stop, don't look at it anymore... Pretend it doesn't exist, because I don't want people reading all negative things coming from me all the time, especially since the majority of my life isn't actually negative.
27 weeks without something negative enough to post in here. 27 weeks.
I think it's gotten better..

Anyway, I'm officially a highschool graduate. I'm 18. I'm getting old. To think, I started this journal when I was 14 turning 15. Shocking, isn't it? How quickly time passes by and before you know it you're all grown up and things are being left to you to do.

I leave for university in like 11 days. The thought terrifies me. It makes me feel numb, cold, sad, scared... Although, it also makes me feel extremely excited. I don't have much more to say.
Just .. Live and let live. Be who you are and be happy with everytthing you send out there.

Hmm

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 04:17:43 GMT

I think I just saw the most passionate love scene I've ever experienced in my life.
The L word makes my life happy.
Seriously, I wish I was on the show so that people all over the world, women mainly would love me. Haha.

Bette and Tina hooked up after breaking off a seven year relationship.
It was so hot. So passionate. So full of need. Bette was crying.
I cried with them. I feel so lame.. But ugh.
I love Bette and Tina.
One of the original couples..One of my favourite couples.

I guess I sort of just wish that someone could love me that intensely..
so badly that they need every part of me.
I don't think it's possible, but you never know what someone's thinking, I guess?
I shouldn't really count myself out before I know, but yeah.

I don't understand how people can tell me they want me and stuff but never actually demonstrate it.
I love the people I tell that to.. I don't want with no emotion, but it seems to me like women only long for me sexually.
I mean, I know I'm not ugly, as narcissistic as that is, but I have my faults.
I'm needy and I know I am...But are there people out there who want needy?
Who want someone to want them in entirety?

If you tell me you love me, mean it.
If you tell me you want me, show it..
If you tell me you want to be with me, be with me!
Don't be afraid to speak up.
I'm not the kind of girl who doesn't listen and has no regard for your feelings.
I'll be honest about how I feel, but I won't cut you down.

I might not know where my head's at right now, but my feelings are undeniably in better condition than ever.
I feel like I'm feeling with my whole self these days, even if my whole self is something I'm scared to expose.
Please don't hate me for needing love.
Don't hate me for being who I am.

I struggle for acceptance - Give me it.

I think I need some guidance.. Because right now, I don't know what I want.
I act too rashly.. And I don't want to be quick moving and hard hitting anymore.
I'd just like to take it slow with someone for once, is that too hard to ask?

I know I've felt strong emotion for people, but could it really have been love if the light that burned flickered and went out?
Is that what love is? Something that can be contained and must be sustained in order to keep it alive?
Is that what fucking love is?
I don't think you should have to work for true love, but I'm always wrong with what I think.

Passion.. Is that key to a good relationship? Or is it more being passionate about being in the relationship?
I guess I'll never know, because I feel like I never want to date again as long as I live.

This came out longer than I expected it to.

Oh yeah..

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 00:13:18 GMT

And just FYI to everyone.
Kirsty and I broke up.
It was all me.
I'm a bitch.
Just so you know before someone tries to tell you different.
and so you can stop fucking asking me.
It was a long time ago.,

(:

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 23:48:42 GMT

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.

I can't even begin to describe how much those lyrics mean to me.
I can't even start to explain it because it brings up a lot of stuff that I'm not sure I want to give away yet.
I don't want people to know me that deeply, but at the same time I long for someone to love me with everything.
You tell me you love me, but do you?
Do you love the person I was? The person I am? The person I'll become?
I can't be so sure.
You tell me, everyone tells me, what makes you so different?
Am I willing to risk the hurt again? No. No; I'm not ready for a relationship.
I just need to be. I need to be me and get my life straightened around.
Who knows what will happen when I go to university.
Maybe I'll meet some cute gay girl, or maybe someone will come out to me that has always been in love with me but to afraid to admit it?
Who know. I wish I could find out my future, sometimes. I never really was one for surprises. I can't handle the suspense of life, I would rather embrace what's coming at me headlong and prepare. Isuppose I'm not the only one who feels that, though, and therefore I shouldn't be asking for it like I'm the only one.
I just want to change the world.
I want to make someone see that I'm different.
I want someone to want me like I need it.
I just wish they would walk into my life and tell me that I am all they've ever wanted.. And all they'll ever need..
But, I don't think I could ever be anyone's something. Or someone.
I believe that in life we have not one soul mate, but many, and it's all a part of deciding which person holds which spot.
Best friend, support, love, TRUE love.. You know?
Everyone is a different puzzle piece to my soul.
I think I've found every part except the most important, the one that completes my puzzle...
But at the same time I think I have found her, I'm just too scared that she doesn't feel the same.
We joke about it, but is it true?
I doubt it.
You know who you are..
Just stop playing with me and tell me straight up.
It's what I need...

I feel empty.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 16:34:03 GMT

Don't know what's going on
Don't know what went wrong
Feels like a hundred years I
Still can't believe you're gone
So I'll stay up all night
With these bloodshot eyes
While these walls surround me with the story of our life

I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever

Now things are coming clear
And I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared
So I'll stay out all night
Get drunk and fuck and fight
Until the morning comes I'll
Forget about our life

I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever

First time you screamed at me
I should have made you leave
I should have known it could be so much better
I hope you're missing me
I hope I've made you see
That I'm gone forever

And now it's coming clear
That I don't need you here
And in this world around me
I'm glad you disappeared

I feel so much better
Now that you're gone forever
I tell myself that I don't miss you at all
I'm not lying, denying that I feel so much better now
That you're gone forever
And now you're gone forever
And now you're gone forever

:o

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 01:10:48 GMT

So.
School's out.
And I haven't handed in a lot of shit.
I should probably email it all to Mrs. Vandenberg ASAP.
but yeah.
Whatever.
:P
I threw up at work tonight. That was fucking amusing..Especially because it was over something totally stupid.
I feel like I want to get really really drunk.
Someone throw a party! So I can get drunk.
Okay thankyou. :)
Merry holidays people.
:D:D

So..I'm kind of pissed off at certain people blowing shit out of proportion.
But that's what teens do best.
Time to start writing my magnum opus!
Yay me.
I'm so excited for next semeter music.
Ahhhhh. < 3
Okay. Bye bitchess.

D:

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 03:57:02 GMT

So, I originally logged on here to see if Ashley had posted, because her journal entries are the ones that I enjoy reading the most.
Because I'm a nerd like that...
But now I feel like having a rant.
I wrote this piece for my writer's craft assignment..
And I thought I actually did a really good job on it.
And then I showed it to someone.
Guess who's heart was ripped up?
Mine.
Fuck my life.
I thought I did so well and then James is all "It has runons.." Meanwhile there were none.
"It's cramped"
"I don't like the style."
Blah blah blah. djgbkjfds.
Efff you all.